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LemonPhisto

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[30 Oct 2009|02:11am]

I haven't posted in a while, but I've started a new journal at auxtankpolice . If you're interested just add me and fun times will ensue for all.
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The 9/11 Conspiracy Goes Way Back!!!!!!!!!!!! [04 Apr 2007|01:10am]
You think this was the first time our government has fooled us? Think again!



There was NO ice burg that hit the Titanic. No ice burg wreckage was EVER found.

The U.S. government planted explosives in the belly of the ship. How do I know this you ask? The ship broke in half! Water, breaking a steel ship in two? I think not.


No passengers were on the Titanic when it sank, they were all put on a DIFFERENT ship and taken to a secure location. They claim there were 2,500 people on the ship, but the life boats would only seat 1,000 people. FACT: they fucked up their numbers and forgot that when making a fake passenger manifest they should think about the odds and ends like how many life boat seats there are!!!

Also, Captain John Smith? Give me a break! TRY THINKING OF A BETTER FAKE NAME NEXT TIME!



These photos were taken by a rescue ship!

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

You see William H. Taft hired Hasslehoff to sink Titanic. Here's photographic proof.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

What do you with the W stands for in George W. Bush? THAT'S RIGHT. William H. Taft!

It goes back even farther! The War of 1812 was all a Free Mason conspiracy by James Madison to burn down the Whitehouse so he could collect insurance money to cover his horse-racing bets!
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I made a new animal. [13 Mar 2007|05:02pm]

He's the offspring of a misogynistic butterfly and a snake with an LSD addiction. And he hates you because of it.

 

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Bastard [24 Feb 2007|01:36am]
I was at the store yesterday. I went to pick up some deli meat and cheese, for lunch. At the deli counter, after waiting for three people, I get skipped (on purpose) by the deli lady so she can help some old woman. This pisses me off. A lot.

So, I get up to the Self Check Out, and there's a line. Why? Because some dumb chick has a cart full of crap in the 10 items or less Self Check Out, and when she can't balance them on the scale, she moves her bags back into the cart. After enduring "Please place the item back in the bag" fifty times, she asks the attendant, who tells her how the scale works. More of my time wasted, you see. At this point, I'm ready to take someone's head.

The next lady wanted to pay with a check. [Doctor Cox] My god, newbie, who pays for anything with checks anymore? [/Doctor Cox]

Meanwhile, I reach the head of the line at the Self Check Out. Finally, a middle aged woman swipes her card, grabs her bags and turns to leave. I step up, drop my basket, and prepare to "press here to start," when she turns and says, "Oh, I forgot something," and points to an abandoned 2-liter of coke next to my basket. "Can you let me pay for that? I'll be two seconds. Thanks."

"No."

"Excuse me?"

"No. I'm next. You can't cut in line. If you really want it, either shoplift it, or..." I point to the line of people where I had just been, "...get back in line."

At this point, I'm on the receiving end of a look of death (you know, narrowed eyes, pursed lips, slow but forceful exhale, narrow shaking of the head), so I say, "It's not my fault that you're forgetful," and press the start button.

Without a word, she grabs her bags, leaves the 2-liter and walks out without a word.

I'm such a bastard.


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[30 Jan 2007|01:27pm]
Holy shite. I just found out I live next to a Red Sox pitcher.

This is him.

We get his mail sometimes. He drives a wicked expensive Lexus. Has another car, an SUV and every so often there will be a TON of people over his house who all drive mercedes and porsches and crap.
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[28 Jan 2007|01:39pm]
I AM USING CAPSLOCK! I AM ANGRY! RAWR!

Okay, enough of that. I hate everyone who owns a car at my school None of them know how to drive. THERE ARE ARROWS IN THE PARKING LOT FOR A REASON.

You = Supposed to drive in the direction of the arrows
Me = Should not have to swerve to avoid your ignorant ass!

Next time this happens, I will swerve into the person. Fuck you. You have Daddy's car, I have a 3600lb steel death machine. I WILL win. One more thing, you do not have to go 60 fucking MPH in the parking lot. You do not impress anybody when you floor it into that parking space. Yeah, you're hardcore, you know that the gas and the brake are next to eachother. Die in a fire! All of you!

Also, if you pass me on a road, when I'm doing the speed limit, only to end up at the same red light 3 seconds later, I should legally be allowed to ram you.
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This was not proof-read [27 Jan 2007|11:30pm]

In the days of yore you may remember I told you of The Saint of Pizza Delivery. Well today I'm going to tell you about The Saint of Murder, because there are a lot of saints and you should know them!

Do you know of someone who just needs to die? Do you ever meet someone and simply think: "Wow, the world would be better if this person was dead."? Or maybe someone you already know has done something stupid, and they simply don't deserve to live anymore. If you've ever thought this let me assure you; you're not alone. God thinks these things too. Enter the Saint of Murder. 

The Saint of Murder's function is to carry out the termination of all the idiots, major assholes and people who are a general blight on society. Now you may be asking me "But there are so many left! Why aren't they dead yet? Why hasn't Larry the Cable Guy been eviscerated?" Well my friend, there's only one Saint of Murder, and a lot of people in need of murdering. (Also, Larry the Cable Guy is actually punishment from God for mankind's sins, he can never be murdered.)

The Saint of Murder first appears in a chapter of the Bible known as "The Book of Murderonimy". This excerpt is the first ever recorded appearance of the saint.

Yosef was a humble farmer. Yey, he  did lament the choice of his son Fulgrim to attend business school. Yosef did cry out to the Lord Jesus. "O' Lord, I beseech thee,  answereth my pleas and stay my son's handeth in college" And Jesus did send The Saint of Murder to walk the land and he slew Fulgrim. Yey, God looked on and he did smileth.

The Book of Murderonimy would later be removed from the Bible and deemed non-canon by The Council of Niceae.  Many of the bishops and cardinals that attended the Niceaen Council would later be found mysteriously murdered, many with their appendages violently removed and inserted in improprietous body cavities. 

The saint's primary mode of transportation is his flaming, demonically possessed, lowered Hummer H2 on thirty-inch rims (complete with Blood for Oil bumper sticker).  He has no qualms about running over small children. As a matter of fact The Saint of Murder views with as proactive. They'd probably grow up to be asshole idiots anyway.

If you ever get a sudden, strange pain; that's a warning from The Saint of Murder. Whatever you're doing wrong; cut it out..

The saint would eventually try his hand at an acting career under the pseudonym of Bruce Lee. However he was too successful at kicking ass and people soon became suspicious. The saint was forced to fake his death and resume controlling the idiot population. Millions of retarded internet Chuck Norris jokes soon arose. The saint brimmed with rage. 

The Saint of Murder loves MySpace. MySpace is quite frankly the Saint of Murder's greatest tool when it comes to culling the idiot population. After all, the idiots make their idiocy plain, and hell, they even write their location in most of the time. They might as well kill themselves anyway; they're already dead. Do you know how many MySpace users he kills every day? Still not enough I tell you, not enough.


The Saint of Murder will never stop. He's like the Terminator. Only he'd make a better Governor. His mission is upon him. If you see his H2 blazing a trail towards you, it's massive, gas-guzzling chassis covered in the skulls of orphans, you might as well just go drink a bottle of Drain-O because it will be far more merciful of a death than what the Saint of Murder has in store for you.

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[21 Jan 2007|10:14am]
Ahhh yes, we meet again January 21st. My mortal foe. You've come to claim another year of my mortality, but I'm wise to your trickery. I'm hidding in a cupboard, you won't find me. I've seen Bill and Ted's Most Bogus Journey and I've been practicing my board games for the fateful day The Grim Reaper comes. Not only shall I trounce him at chess then mock his woeful attempts at strategy, I will teach him quite the lesson in Twister and he won't soon forget. I'm very limber!
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[17 Jan 2007|12:18pm]
I think it's funny how easy it is to piss off other college students by simply driving at the speed-limit.
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[15 Jan 2007|09:42am]
[ mood | amused ]

Is your car Gay-Friendly?

http://www.gaywheels.com/gff/gayfriendly.htm

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Yes, another video. [15 Jan 2007|07:02am]


This clip amuses me so bad.
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[14 Jan 2007|06:55pm]
Do you ever think that there are some things that there shouldn't be a "World Champion" for? I do. This guy is one of them.

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[09 Jan 2007|03:18pm]
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[07 Jan 2007|03:01pm]
"Following the bands success and their fallout following The Irish Troubles, in an attempt to regain some modicum of popularity, Bono built a wooden plane out of balsa wood, which was made out of wood -- specifically, wooden wood -- and named it after the band. The U2 Spy Plane was a technical wonder -- it was capable of flying with or without a pilot, taking off from streets that have no names, and returning home on its own if it still hadn't found what it was looking for. People described it as being as fast as a bullet in the blue sky. It was also proven that wires would not trip it up. Production began one October morning in Red Hill Mining Town, which was notable because its hill was, in fact, not red, and sparsely vegitated. Production, however, ran to a stand-still after many pilots ended up missing in God's country. The mothers of the disappeared complained, and the band decided to Exit from the aeronautics business. Living on one Tree hill, on 4th July morning the band decided they would surrender to a man and a woman. They left on a beautiful day to a room at the heartbreak hotel. "Another time, another place" Bono said. Larry had a desire to hit him and did. Adam, being gay, decided to go and elevate some men. Bono met Gloria and decided to marry her at Heaven and Hell. He also decided to try writing even less intelligible stuff, and adopted a new persona which he called Paul Muldoon. The Edge went to Miami to live with Mofo and Ito Okashi. Larry is just Larry.

Larry is quoted as having said, "F**k that s**t." Adam misheard this, and became spontaneously gay. Bono subsequently wrote a song called 'ooooh ooooh elevator!'. A confusion soon arose between God and Bono. God's belief that he is the almighty, lead many to think that he is delusional and that he thinks he is Bono."
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[07 Jan 2007|04:37am]
[ mood | angry ]

Jeep plans to release a new vehicle in 2007. The Jeep Patriot.

pa·tri·ot (pā'trē-ət, -ŏt')
n. One who loves, supports, and defends one's country.

Now let us look at where this vehicle comes from. Jeep is owned by DCX. Dodge-Chrysler Mercedes is basically one mega-conglomerate of Mitsubishi (owned by Dodge), Dodge (dur), Chrysler and Mercedes Benz. The platform on which this car is built is the Mitsubishi designed GS platform, used in several other Dodge and Mitsubishi cars such as the Mitsubishi Lancer and Outlander, Dodge's Avenger and Caliber and Chrysler's Sebring and PT Cruiser models.

The engine is a high revving 2.4 liter Mitsubishi designed GEMA inline-4 cylinder engine. The GEMA engine company is just a subsidiary of Chrysler, Mercedes, Mitsubishi and Hyundai. American car companies don't make good 4 cylinder engines. That's why they have to rely on outside design. The Dodge Neon's inline-4 was EPA rated at a pathetic 22 MPG highway miles at 132 horsepower. This GEMA engine is rated at 30 highway miles at 172 horsepower.

Now lets look at the contributors. Mitsubishi built a myriad of weapons of war during WW2. The most famed is probably the A6M Zero fighter-plane; or as it was simply known: The Zero. Mitsubishi also used a lot of slave labor including Chinese and American war prisoners and civilians

During the Second World War, Daimler-Benz is known to have exploited more than 30,000 forced workers and prisoners of war, some of whom would eventually strike, and be sent to concentration camps. This working force soon became essential to the production capacity of the company after 1941, and was a key to the construction of Nazi Germany's Luftwaffe and war machine.

Now some 60-odd years later these two companies own a fair share in Jeep; the very company that produced the vehicles which were the means for delivery of the ass-kicking the two former companies received. The Jeep Patriot is neither a Jeep nor a Patriot. It is not a Jeep because it has independent suspension. For those that do not know independent suspension makes for a smooth on-road ride, but off-road you might was well have a medieval ox-cart because that will get you further. Jeeps are meant to be off-road vehicles . It's not patriotic; no part of it comes from this country. The only good part is it will be built here at Dodge-Chrysler plants, so no-one has to lose their job because of this rolling piece of shit they've slapped a "Trail-Rated" badge on.

And, it's ugly.

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[08 Nov 2006|11:31am]
I always want to write in this thing, but I never have the chance. One day, prehaps I shall begin updating every two hours, like I used to. You shall all beg me to stop and beg me for mercy, and I may consider it.

I have to go to my Anthropology class. My teacher is from Senegal. Yesterday she told us how she ran a stoplight, and got a ticket, and didn't understand why. In Senegal I guess every color means go.
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Life is Life. [20 Oct 2006|12:34am]
Which is mightier!?!?! I DEMAND TO KNOW!

The original Opus version.



or the Laibach version.  Laibach wins my heart over simply by the fact their singer sounds like The Cookie Monster with a tummy ache. (C IS FOR COOKIE!) Also, I like his hat. The magician in the Conan the Barbarian movie wore one just like it. I bet he's some kind of sorcerer too.

 

 

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[20 Oct 2006|12:16am]

 

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[29 Sep 2006|12:20am]







THE MANTIS KNOWS WHAT YOU DID.
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[24 Aug 2006|11:50pm]
I've decided to go on a quest to become the world's most powerful underwear model. I'm not coming back until I am done.

SPIDER UPDAT: I killed it. It was most unfortunate for him. I caught him in the open. He managed to bite me again. Wrath ensued.
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